I am beginning to feel like I am typing to myself on LJ. I am not sure that anyone reads this anymore, but I suppose it is somewhat therapeutic for me to at least get it all out in black and white. Although my meeting with Kyle proved to be a positive experience and I left feeling like many doors of the past had been closed, I was not left with the idea that Kyle had necessarily changed much. It still perplexes me that he refuses to be honest with his wife about the existance of Madison. Yes, I realise this is NOT my problem but it does show me a great deal about his character and THATS what concerns me.

"I have so many things going on in my life right now, Joy. I have a business that I am trying to get up and running, etc."

So, what? 8 years ago I didnt have anything going on in my life? I didnt have a life plan? I had to sacrifice the way I WANTED to do things in MY time frame to have your child, so I am not sorry that it seems to be so inconvienant to you now.

Some have told me, "Well, you've had 8 years to mull this over Joy, he's still having to digest it all. Its alot to take in."

Bolonga.

I can not accept that as an excuse. Sure I can understand his fear of having to tell his wife, "Hey I've been lying to you for 5 years and I have another child that I have never seen or had anything to do with and have tried to forget" Sure I understand that it could cause issues in his marriage, possibly affect his work, cause him to have emotional issues added into his life ontop of the old ones he has yet to deal with but I dont see how THOSE ARE MY ISSUES or why I should be sympathetic to him when HE WAS THE ONE THAT MADE THE decision to avoid the responsibility/truth.

The way I see it....he either wants to have a relationship with his son and get to know the person he helped create or he doesnt. If he does...great....tell your wife and get the ball rolling. If he doesnt...fine...

STOP WASTING MY FUCKING TIME AND LEADING ME ON AND STOP TRYING TO PAY ME OFF!


On a side note, I told Matt to fuck off tonight and that I never wanted to speak to him again. I've been lied to for the last time by him. I do not like being told that I am liked/loved because I am the only one that puts up with (insert any persons name) shit. What does that make me? I am by NO MEANS in a position to be treated like crap and I wont allow it to continue. He can find some other girl who is desperate enough to put up with his shit and then have her walk out on him too.

Moving along:
Madison's birthday is next week. He will be turning 8 years old. We are not having a party for him instead my dad and I took him to New Braunsfels last week. I do however plan on making next week memorable for him. I am trying to set it up where Madison gets something in the mail everyday. Some little goodies and then I plan on giving him one major gift. Lord knows he doesnt deserve it with the way he's been treating me here lately, but thats no reason for me to cause him to have a crappy birthday. School starts next week for him as well. I'm excited for him and scared shitless at the same time because I really dont want a repeat of last year. I am so scared that his behavioral problems will get worse, some of them are quite serious already and need immediate attention because they exhibit Madison wanting to do personal harm. The last 3 nights I have spent with him having unholy temper tantrums that have included him getting so irate and out of control that he's started beating me up. I am at my wits end and I have no help. All the meantime, Kyle is still trying to decide if he wants to upset his perfect little life.